So You Want To, But How Do You?
Open discussion:
All the time I hear people say that they are tired of the consumerism rat race. They are tired of the chaos of consumerism during Christmas time. They just want to keep it simple. And I say that to myself, too. But year after year, it seems impossible to avoid the insanity of consumerism.
How come? And, what should we do to really change?
Looking forward to your comments. Thanks!
Comments
We don’t celebrate Christmas any more. We stopped… I want to say around seven or eight years ago? It was difficult for my parents to adjust to the idea that we didn’t want any gifts for Christmas or birthdays any more. It also was a little awkward for us at first not getting gifts for anyone because there’s so much social expectation that at Christmas we are supposed to give and receive gifts. After a few years of it, I rather enjoy not having to worry about the consumerism of Christmas. I’m not sure what else I can say beyond just jump in and brave the awkwardness at first because eventually (at least for us) you get used to it and it frankly feels quite liberating.
I started simply by telling people I really didn’t need anything, and there was no need to give me gifts. Once I stopped giving gifts, the rest of my immediate family felt it was okay to do likewise. Within a year or two we stopped shopping for each other. We still give each other used gifts IF we find something we think the other person will like, but there’s no obligation or expectation.
I think, cultivating the attitude that you’re a non-consumer, and talking about it as a philosophy with your family will make them not be offended (or as offended) when you stop gift-giving. My son and my nieces and nephew don’t watch TV and are home-schooled, so that helps immensely, too, but I think just discussing family values frequently, loving your kids in ways that don’t revolve around stuff, and giving just one nice used gift so they have something to look forward to has worked for us and for my sister’s family.
Christmas lists, I think, are really bad, because they make kids think it’s all about them. It can undermine the attitude of being thankful for what you have and what you are given.
Sometimes, though, I think people can discuss this topic to death, when all you really need to do is stop participating in the gift orgy. More do, less talk.
I find that the difficulty in making change (at least with my clients), is the result of FEAR: fear of losing their identity, fear of ridicule, fear of loss of community, fear of failure, fear of uncertainty…
As we grow older, we are less and less willing to take risks and prefer comfort in the familiar.
Personally, I think that in order to make it work in the long term, you have to have a support system. Even if it’s just one other person, you have to find someone who’s willing to take steps to change a behavior with you.
Otherwise, it’s easy to lose focus and accountability.
I have spent the past two weeks getting rid of YEARS of clutter and it has been the most lightening and liberating experience. I have a mantra (I am not my Stuff) that I repeat to myself whenever I get stuck and become reluctant to throw or give something away.
I have a tremendous amount of support, even from people who aren’t quite ready to take these steps themselves.
I am, I guess, the trendsetter in my family. I have taken the bull by the horns and pared down our gift list from buying for 42 people to 14. We cut the chord on many distant relatives and have set financial limits on the rest. It is tempting to buy more, but I’ve tightened the budget.
Every year we do more and more enjoyable activities. This year so far, I’ve made cookies, taped Christmas shows that are fun, put cloves in oranges, made citrus ornaments, wrapped gifts, listened to music, gone to the zoo.
This weekend we’re going to a German market and parade as well as an art museum, all for free.
I don’t enjoy my husband buying me expensive gifts and then getting the bill in January, so I’ve tried to tell him no more jewelry etc.
Last year was our most enjoyable, I hope to repeat it. We only entertained with people we liked and kept more of the idea of Christ being the center of the holiday. I wasn’t harried and frantic, but peaceful and joyful.
When our children were born over 20 years ago, we started with garbage-less Christmases and we achieved this by using cloth bags and stockings that I made for all gifts. We then made the decision to provide stocking stuffers and no other gifts. We made up food boxes for families and delivered them. The food bank wouldn’t accept my canning and baked good but they fit well in our food boxes. I frequently shop at thrift stores and have given my husband and sons used gifts regularly. As for gifts for others, I’ve never been comfortable with purchasing gifts for extended family members as I’ve always believed that they have everything they need or if they don’t I certainly couldn’t afford it. I started giving less….we received less, a natural progression. I also began to withdrawal from gift exchanges at work and other circles however I was right there for the cookie exchanges! This year I am out of work and simply cannot afford much and we will have to par down on the contents of the stockings. Lack of money is one way to fast track simplicity. The holiday focus will be on a being together with my hubby and sons, delicious meals, visiting family and enjoying winter activities.
This year, I drew Mom’s name for our family Christmas celebration. She asked for a book, so I am writing her one and plan to hand-bind it. Regardless of how well it turns out, I know she will appreciate it more than most of her books (and she has a LOT of them). It won’t be just a book — it will be part of me.
In my mind, that’s the key to getting away from materialism — do everything you can to make Stuff more about People.
http://www.changeanythingbook.com/order/
what six sources of influence are working against us to keep us in the consumerism trap? (this book is a great)
also, giving gifts is after all a love language. I think more people use this love language than want to admit. In addition to that, the “season” says this is what we should do, and maybe we are supposed to….but it’s been twisted.
I agree with whoever said we aren’t really celebrating Christmas. It isn’t “PC” anymore to do so. But really, Christmas is about recognition of the greatest gift any of us have ever received…..Jesus Christ himself. Gifts were given to him for his gifts he gave to us. So, big gift fest there. Meaningful gifts to remember why I don’t think is a bad thing. but when society uses the day as an excuse to buy and buy and buy, but then says you aren’t allowed to talk, really talk, about why, there is something wrong with that. Gifts themselves aren’t bad, in fact they are very good, both to give and to receive. Consuming without purpose, stuffing our lives with so much stuff…well that’s the problem.
I like Christmas and giving and receiving appropriate gifts. I don’t have small children any more, and i don’t have to pretend and the few small children i need to buy for i tend to buy books. As for me, my favourite hand cream, perfume, theater tickets, gift token for my favourite food shops. There is a way to still give without getting caught up in too much of consumerism or adding to much to my ‘stuff’.
I’m the oldest of 5 children. Christmas morning is a 4-5 hour marathon of gift opening. It’s just insane. It got to the point that we needed to take an intermission just to get through everything. Dad believes in quantity over quality and several of the siblings picked up on that bandwagon. It’s so bad in my family that we need to provide a list to put up on the parent’s refrigerator (grand central) so that everyone can mark off when then got something.
I began my descend from grace when I didn’t participate in the list making and I only bought for the young nieces and nephews while giving the married sibling couples a copy of my favorite book from the year. That didn’t go over well. I got junk gifts that went immediately to the good will and the siblings didn’t understand why I gave the book I did (The Last Lecture). So the next year I participated in the list option and simply asked for gift cards to restaurants or consumable items like home made cookies or bottles of wine. That limited the junk (noticed I said limited not eliminated) and stocked me up on cheap wine for a few months. I again shopped for the kids giving them education gifts then researched our ancestry stuff for the siblings. That was received better but they still didn’t understand why I was not buying gifts. Didn’t I love them?
This year I’ve decided to take the tactic of providing a specific list of items I would naturally replace myself. Socks, winter gloves that have a whole in them, sheets, dish towels….I will be once again be giving the children an educational gift and making a note card set out of the hundreds of pictures I have taken over the year. I’ll let you know how that goes.
I don’t think my family is any different than most. They associate gift giving with love. Once we bring back the family unit and learn to simply enjoy each others company again the gifts will have less of a meaning. Unfortunately in my family this will never happen. Sad, yes. But it’s the reality.
I survived nine Christmases in retail. Oy! After that much “abuse” I decided to donate for Christmas instead of giving to my family. If they really want something or need something, they will buy it!
In the past, I’ve donated to Toy’s For Tots. I would bring my niece and nephew to a toy store and give them a budget. Lots of fun and a great experience. Ten years later, as adults, they still talk about it.
Donating is a great way to go, less guilt when you are solicited to donate, because you do donate! “Thanks, but I donate to X for Christmas”.
Kudos!
A few nights ago I was explaining the origins of Christmas (or rather the pagan holiday of the winter solstice) to my hubby. Back before this “civilization”, people would celebrate that they’ve made it this far in winter and that spring would be coming soon. It was to symbolize hope that life will continue with the days beginning to get longer. Of course that’s just the simplified version. But isn’t that really how we should think of Christmas? A time to gather with those you love to celebrate life? In our family, we do skim through newspaper ads to see if there’s deals on things we NEED like socks, underwear, work boots to replace the ones with holes in them. But when TV commercials are blaring at you like a child jumping around screaming “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!”…we mute it. If you are going to buy Christmas presents put some real honest effort into thinking about the recipient and what they NEED to make it through the year. See if it’s something you can make yourself. And always remember that there truly is more happiness in giving than receiving, especially if you don’t go into debt or buy a thoughtless present for the sake of presents.
When I was growing up in the 50′s and 60′s, my parents weren’t overly consumeristic. They acknowledged Christmas with a few gifts for my sisters and I. But in no way did they go overboard like my friend’s parents did; homes looking like a mini department store. Some of this was due to my parents growing up during the Depression, some due to my parents belief in the religious significance of the holiday, some due to the focus on the importance of the family being gathered together.
As we have gotten older, the focus has changed to sharing time and a lovely meal together; experiences and memories. My husband and I now live far from family. We still make a lovely meal; call family and friends. And you may find us hiking in a National Park that’s nearby; creating new memories and experiences.
I do not have kids, so I cannot speak to children and Christmas present, but I can speak to adults.
During my MBA I had a professor who used to say “the only currency left is time.” For the holidays and for birthdays, I have made it a point to have the short list of people close to me and spend time with them. I will take them to dinner, coffee, or something we can experience together. I do not mind spending the money with them but something “plastic” item is really not useful to them is really just wasteful for everyone. Also, thanking them and reminding them you are important to them all year long is enough of a reminder that you care for them. Two more points: if you want to give a great gift-give the person of utility that they can be reminded of you each time they use it (like a wallet); secondly, try sending that person a Thank You card when they least expect it. That notion can have a very deep sentiment.
Wow. Thanks so much for these awesome comments. Two things are obvious. 1) We all deal with Christmas-time gift-giving craziness. 2) There are a lot of ways, even if ultimately imperfect, to mitigate the consumer excess.
For some years now we have only bought for the children in the family and God children. Most of the adults have accepted or decision, but one or two, who are perhaps old enough to know better still make “a bit of a fuss” now and then.
I expect you’ve seen this before, but it is interesting…
http://www.wired.com/geekdad/2011/01/the-5-best-toys-of-all-time/
Funny story. I came across this blog post while searching “gifts for people named Dave” – my brother is named Dave and I’m trying to find him some kind of gag gift for the holidays because we don’t do “real gifts” for each other. I do hope one day to reach the same status of “no gifts” that it seems you’ve hit, it really just seems like a money-exchange (I buy you something for roughly $30, and you buy me something for roughly $30.. kinda silly when we would both be better off buying ourselves our own stuff)
As others mentioned, we celebrate Christmas but only give gifts to the young children. We spent too many years exchanging gift cards among the adults! Everyone is relieved not to have to do the extra shopping, and kids’ toys are the most fun to buy anyway. I try to encourage the grandparents to buy only one toy per child, but it doesn’t always work out that way! Plus, we still get to spend time together–one family on Christmas Eve, one family on Christmas day–which is the best part of Christmas.
I’ve made a point of doing something useful for someone I love as a gift, rather than buying something. Since the car registration ran out on his birthday, his birthday present was that i took care of all the licensing, any smog cert needed, and washed his car in and out to show him my appreciation.
How encouraging it is to read of others who are being thoughtful about consumerism and Christmas. I am re-gifting (and I figure to give away something of yours it must hurt a little or it is not a thoughtful gift) and making gifts, usually from recycled materials. Our Christmas day is to be a no gift giving day – with the exception that re-gifting and home made is okay but not expected (this is to meet the needs of our 14-year-old daughter). We are really looking forward to this Christmas, probably for the first time, because our focus is on Christ’s birth and giving each other the gift of time. Marvellous!
(If you want to read my blog entries – one in particular mentions The 100 Thing Challenge, both mention Christmas, they can be found here -http://astalander.blogspot.com/ )
Although I have only one sibling and my parents on my side of the family, who we still exchange gifts with, my wife’s side of the family consists of ~20 people that we used to buy gifts for (and receive gifts from) every year.
We all agreed a few years ago that it was getting a bit taxing for everyone to be expected to buy 20 gifts (that’s 400+ gifts being exchanged between all of her family members every year!), and decided to just throw everyone’s name in a hat and have each person draw one name and only buy a gift for that one person.
This takes a lot of the stress out of Christmas since 1) we’re only expected to buy a gift for one person instead of twenty now, and 2) we can buy a nicer gift for that one person than many of her family members could afford to spend when trying to buy 20 gifts of similar value.
So, instead of giving and/or receiving a bunch of crappy gifts that will soon be forgotten about or disposed of, we can each give a nicer, more useful, more thoughtful gift to just one of the twenty family members. It’s a nice compromise for those who don’t want to forego exchanging gifts altogether and also one that satisfies those of us who hate giving or receiving crappy gifts.
We stopped doing the traditional Christmas almost 30 years ago. Believe it or not, the hardest person to convince was my Grandmother. We reasoned that we were all adults, and we got what we needed when we needed it, so the whole Christmas gift thing was an unnecessary complication. I enjoy when I am asked if I have finished my Christmas shopping, and I get to say “I never started.” In the spirit of the true meaning of Christmas, we do donate to a couple of local charities.
I hadn’t known when i started reading this blog that it was going to devolve into yet another christmas discussion.
for those who aren’t christian, it’s apparently a lot easier to skip the consumerism. I literally have no experience of what you all are talking abt. I do give gifts, but only with those I chose, and its just a matter of ‘when’, according to their faith tradition. I’m jewish, my roommate is pagan, my girlfriend is native american; we’ve had a loving warm holiday season with our friends of multiple religions.
this year we could not help to notice a huge number of non-jewish, non asain people at the movies on christmas this year. clearly it’s an attractive alternative.
maybe make some friends of different faiths and hang out in the peace and quiet thus generated.