When Do We Cross the Stuff Line in Our Relationships?
Posted by Dave Bruno
Most of us do not buy stuff for the stuff. Hoarders do. But most of us are not hoarders. Most of us buy stuff for the sake of relationships, which is a right reason to buy stuff. That is, unless our expectations of what stuff can do for our relationships gets skewed.
Stuff is an excellent go between for healthy relationships. So long as we place the right expectations on what stuff can and cannot do for our relationships, stuff usually provides a benefit. If you doubt the importance of stuff, consider how awkward our relationships would be without stuff. Imagine a dinner party without a table, plates, silverware, or a restroom. Imagine working, whatever kind of work you do, without any tools: no tractor or no computer, no paper or no phone, no office or no Starbucks. Imagine going to church without clothes. We can all agree it is good to have stuff between us. Just try to think of a single scenario in which a relationship is better off without any stuff at all.
It is important to put stuff between us. Yet there is a point after which stuff only leads to jealousy, one upmanship, and other stumbling blocks that get in the way of close relationships. At that point, the stuff between us hinders our relationships.
Here is something to discuss: When do we cross the line, and the stuff between us gets in the way of our relationships instead of facilitating our relationships?
Comments
Stuff is good to have, most definitely, but stuff costs money(purchasing them, etc.) and time(cleaning, storing, insuring). Whenever I buy “stuff” I usually stop and consider what the purchase or acquiring of the item will mean as far as time and money. Will it take anything away from what and who is important to me? What will it add?
For example just the other day, bought a box of 500 piece puzzle. I had been wanting to try my hands at putting the pieces together. I spent $6.49 plus tax on it, and came home with a thing. When I opened the box, I realized that this project was going to take up a lot of space on my dining room table. Those pieces were very tiny!
Four days later, the pieces are still scattered on the table. Very little room for anything else. Everyone had to be careful-don’t move the puzzle pieces! Oh, no, who messed with my puzzle?!
Finally, I just packed them up and took them to Goodwill-to clutter the already cluttered store!
Lesson learned: Next time, be very, very careful about getting stuff that take up your working space, stuff that make you easily annoyed with your family because “they’re messing with it” and stuff that take away time from your loved ones.
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Ketsana, your experience totally reminds me of Sarah’s last post. Stuff can definitely encroach on our time, space, and energy. Sounds like you made the right call getting rid of the puzzle.
Stuff crosses the line in our relationships when it comes with an obligation.
If you give me clothes, I am expected to wear them, wash them, iron them, mend them, keep space for them.
If you give me a knick-knack, I am expected to display it, look at it, think about it, dust it, move it.
If giving me stuff is your way of exerting power over me with your expectations, then that crosses the line.
(As someone with a hoarding parent who considers stuff the equivalent of people, I know this scenario all too well.)